Christmas can feel hard even when nothing is wrong. For many people in their 20s and 30s, going home puts you back in an old role, brings the same questions about your life, and sets how it should feel against how it actually does. Feeling flat, tense or dreading it can sit alongside a feeling of being grateful for what you do have. It's a common reaction to a week where expectation is at its highest.
Why it hits harder than you'd expect
You slip back into an old role. At work or with friends you might be the capable one. At home you can find yourself being the peacemaker, the funny one or the one who doesn't make a fuss, within an hour of walking through the door.
The questions land differently. ‘So, what's next for you?’ or ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ can feel casual to the person asking. If you're already feeling wobbly about your answer, they can sting a bit.
Comparison is built in. Christmas is full of updates about who got engaged, bought a house or got promoted. It's easy to measure your own life against it, even if yours looks good on paper.
You're expected to feel a certain way. Joyful, grateful, relaxed. When what you actually feel is tired or flat, the gap can make it feel worse.
Things that can help
Decide in advance what you don't want to get into. You're allowed to have a short, kind answer ready for the questions you'd rather not unpack, such as ‘I'm still working that out, how are you finding the new place?’
Plan some time that belongs to you. A walk, a drive to the shop, an hour with a book. Leaving the room for a bit is normal.
Lower the bar. A Christmas that is fine and gets you through is ok.
Notice what you're carrying. If the dread is the same each year, it's usually pointing at something worth looking at, not a sign you should try harder this year.
Tell one person what’s really going on. Even a text to a friend saying ‘this is harder than I expected’ can take the edge off.
When it might be worth talking to someone
If the same patterns return every year, or the dread starts well before December, it can help to talk it through with someone outside the family. If you're struggling with low mood or hopelessness, speak to your GP as well. You can read more about other therapy options I have available here:
Questions you might still have
Is it normal to dread Christmas? Yes. Many people feel apprehensive about going home, seeing family or the expectation to enjoy it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your family.
Why do I feel like a teenager again at home? Family roles are learned early and repeated for years, so they can return quickly when you're back in the same space. Noticing it is often the first step to responding differently.
How do I answer questions about my life without getting into it? A short, warm answer and a change of subject is enough. You don't owe anyone a full explanation, and you can say more later if you want to.
Can one therapy session help with this? A single session won't change everything, but it can give you space to get clear on what's hard, think through the conversations you're dreading and decide how you want to handle them.
I'm offering one-off online sessions before Christmas for exactly this. It's £70, and booking is open until 4 December, with sessions up to 16 December. Find out more and enquire here.
If you're in crisis, Samaritans are free to call on 116 123, 24 hours a day.
